


Yet Another Reason To Blame Bucky For Shit

by Kitties_and_castiel, lucky_ducky_123



Series: Bucky's an Asshole (and Steve loves it) [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Funny, M/M, enjoy the puns and memes, literally no plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 10:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7263760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitties_and_castiel/pseuds/Kitties_and_castiel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucky_ducky_123/pseuds/lucky_ducky_123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“If we get arrested, it’s your fault.” Steve said. </p><p>“Okay.” Bucky conceded, a mischievous smile on his face. </p><p> </p><p>Or when the Avengers have to break everyone's favorite 'platonically straight war vets' out of prison. And it's Bucky's fault of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yet Another Reason To Blame Bucky For Shit

     “If we get arrested, it’s your fault.” Steve said.

     “Okay.” Bucky conceded, a mischievous smile on his face.

***

     “Well, this is a nice change of scenery.” Bucky commented lamely.

     “It’s a prison cell.” Steve moaned. Cause if anything, Captain fucking _America_ didn’t get arrested. It was just downright unpatriotic. Bucky on the other hand, whom had been brainwashed by _Soviets_ …well, maybe it wasn’t that big of a surprise. Maybe the police had reason to suspect him just because of that goddamn unruly hair of his. Then again, the metal arm was pretty damn scary too.

     “I was being sarcastic.” Bucky commented, not looking at Steve.

     “No shit, sherlock.” Steve tossed. If he was being un-American and disorderly, so be it. He doubted that a prison cell was the place you needed to be damn respectful in. At least Tony wasn’t here to use that _one_ _fucking time_ he had commented on language. One time, Stark. Just one.

     “Hey, I didn’t hear the sirens. I think the explosion kind of drowned that out, don’t you?” Bucky raised an eyebrow in question.

     “It’s _your_ fault! I said to set a _small fire!_ That was _not small!_ ” Steve shouted.

     “Well _excuse me Rogers!_ What did you want me to do, pull out a fucking ruler and measure the damn thing? It’s a _fire!_ I did what I could with the materials that were available and _shit happened!_ I’m sorry it was so damned inconvenient for you.”

     “Oh no, it wasn’t inconvenient _at all._ Please, set fire to _another_ hotel.” Steve groaned, shifting on his bench and crossing his arms. Bucky scowled at the other man’s Dorito-shaped back, wanting to strangle Steve and equally press him hard against the wall.

     Just then, a police officer walked up from the other side of the bars, a satisfied smile on his face. “Alright boys, you’re free to go.”

     “No, no, no officer. Not just yet. The big boys need more time in their time out corner to think about what they’ve done.” A familiar accented voice came from behind the cop as red hair and a devious smirk appeared on a woman they knew all too well. She was followed by cackling laughter that just happened to be the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. Mighty Steve’s Ass™.

     “I think our little power couple here should apologize, don’t you Nat?” The arrogant voice of Tony Stark came from the corner, the man wearing his trademark sunglasses and his annoying smirk.

     “…can I kill him?” Bucky leaned over to Steve, him not even needing to be armed to most likely kick the hell out of the smaller man. Smaller in other places as well, if Bucky’s assumptions were correct. Maybe Pepper knew.

     “No.” Steve snapped, glaring at his friend.

     “Just a little bit?” Bucky blinked his eyes innocently, even sticking his lip out for a bit more effect.

     “No.” Steve turned his Look™ towards Bucky and finally shut him down.

     Then he looked up at Natasha and Tony and sighed. “We’re sorry, Tony, really. It wasn’t what we planned.”

     The Avengers accepted the apology with subtle nods, all making humming noises of approval. Peter stuck his head out from where he was practically invisible behind the much taller Avengers. Everyday he thought about _hopefully_ hitting his growth spurt. It didn’t help that Tony still called him Spiderboy. “I didn’t hear _Bucky_ apologize.” He said like he was afraid, his voice only slightly quivering and raising an octave.

     Bucky turned his glare full force on the Spider baby. “Keep your morals away from me.” The Winter Soldier growled, scooting back away from the bars of the cell.

     “Y’know…that’s not what an apology sounds like.” Tony teased, leaning against the bars and flipping his sunglasses onto his million-dollar haircut. And since it was _Tony Stark_ , it probably actually _was_ a million-dollar haircut.

     “Bite me.” Bucky grumbled.

     A smirk. “Where?”

     Steve made an almost angry growl under his breath, catching everyone’s attention.

     Natasha’s eyes grew wide and she laughed, clapping her hands. “Oh my God. You’re in love.”

     “Wait, that wasn’t obvious?” Peter asked from behind, raising an eyebrow.

     “Shut up Parker!” Bucky hissed, watching the scrawny teenager cringe back in terror.

     “Is this one of those times when you want me to lie to protect your delicate emotions?” Natasha cocked her head with an arrogant look in her eye, her arms crossed and her eyes focused on Steve and Bucky.

     “Shouldn’t you be more lady-like Romanoff?” Bucky smirked. “Back in my day women were—”

     “I don’t want to be lady-like, I want to lure men to their death.” Natasha said sweetly, mocking a curtsey.

     “I can appreciate that, ma’am.” Steve derailed Bucky from his current path before Nat could kill him before anyone could even realize he was dead.

     Bucky ignored Steve in favor of pulling a bobby pin out of his man bun. “Well I’m not waiting any longer for them to let us out of here.” He moved towards the lock and was surprised as the others simply let him do his thing.

     Steve meanwhile stared incredulously. “You had that the whole time and we’ve just been sitting here with our thumbs up our asses?”

     “Ah, ah, ah.” Tony chastised. “Language, Captain. You’re a gentleman.”

     “I swear to God Stark.”

     “I don’t think Thor is here right now buddy.” Sam interjected, trying not to laugh as Steve sent narrowed eyes his way.

     “Can I ask a dumb question?” Peter piped up again, regaining his bravery.

     “Better than anyone I know.” Tony quipped under his breath.

     Peter continued his question, “Uh, should we not be paying attention to the fact that Mr. Barnes almost has the door unlocked?”

     “Mr. Barnes? What the hell is he, your English teacher?” Tony asked.

     “Uh, no offense Mr. Stark, but I feel like if I’m not respectful he’ll pull my arms out of my sockets. I’m not even scared of you and I call _you_ Mr. Stark.”

     “I actually _do_ take offense to that young man. I can call Aunt May and complain.” Peter scowled.

     “No, Mr. Fury said you can’t do that after last time.”

      “I swear, you break a lady’s heart one time and suddenly you’re the bad guy.” Tony grumbled.

     “Yeah Tony, cause that’s the _first_ time you’ve ever broken a woman’s heart.” Natasha commented dryly, letting everyone know what they already knew about Tony’s on-again, off-again sex life.

     However, no one really seemed to notice Clint’s exasperated expression as he blinked at Bucky’s lock picking. He moved closer to the cell bars and glared at the assassin, muttering disappointingly, “I taught you how to pick locks, and _this_ is how you’re using that skill?”

     “You didn’t teach me _shit_ , Birdman.”

     “Oh again with the bird jokes. _Everyone_ loves the bird jokes.” Clint groaned.

     “Bird puns just fly over my head.” Sam interjected with a smirk.

     “Ho, don’t do it—”

     “But making bird puns is my favorite thing to do…I do it _aviary_ day.”

     “Oh my god.” Clint collapsed against Natasha, his hand in a faux-faint position on his forehead. Natasha shoved him off, and he barely caught himself from falling to the floor.

     “Don’t you have…like…a license to kill?” Peter asked again, curious.

     Barnes sighed and paused in his lock picking. “No, I don’t have a license to kill.” Silence. “I have a learner’s permit.”

     “Wait, really?” Spiderbaby asked, excited at the prospect of being able to get a permit for anything besides his current one for driving.

     “Yeah, kid.” Bucky said in his Brooklyn drawl, smirking. “You just walk up to the county office and—”

    “Barnes, leave the poor kid alone.” Natasha cut of his short-lived monologue. Peter caught on, first looking hurt and then smug at Natasha’s defense of him.

     Bucky looked at him. “Shut up.”

     Peter startled, sliding his body to hide behind Clint, who had finally found his balance. “I didn’t say anything.”

     “I don’t care.” Bucky said, fixing his murderous stare on the skinny child. “Shut up.”

     Peter gulped and made himself as small as possible behind the Avenging Heroes. Bucky went back to working on the lock and finally opened the door with a cry of triumph, the metal bars swinging open and whacking Clint in the face as Natasha calmly stepped back to watch the domino effect. Clint fell into Peter ,who fell into Sam, who somehow managed to fall into Tony on the other side of the room. After the door rebounded off of Clint’s nose, it finally swung violently back and shut, relocking into place, Bucky and Steve still soundly on the other side and watching with dropped jaws.

     Finally, the cop who had still been standing there held up his keys and said, “I’m done with all this bullshit. I don’t get paid enough for this.” He slid the key in and opened the door, being more careful this time.

     Bucky and Steve collected their belongings from the officer as they left the cell, Steve smiling as he pulled out his favorite thing about the 21st century…”Siri, did you miss me?”

     “Sorry, _Mr. Steve Barnes_ , I didn’t quite get that.” Siri commented dryly.

     The room went silent. Bucky dropped the handful of things he held (which was mainly just weapons and a bag of plums) and rolled his eyes. “Fuck this shit. I’m out.” He threw his hands in the air, ignoring the frantically beeping metal detector by the entrance and marching down the street to leave the stunned Avengers behind.

     “What?” Steve asked, confused. “Siri’s better than JARVIS anyways.”

      Tony stilled, turning slowly to Cap and glaring murderously at him. Even Peter shuffled a little. “That’s ground for civil war, captain.”

 

 

Captain America: Civil War May 6, 2016


End file.
